The Five-Two

ICE SOLVES THE LINE DELAY DILEMMA AT MAJOR AIRPORTS We examine drivers’ licenses, passports, and faces, and listen to them talking, or i...

TRUMP'S PROCLAMATION “Effective immediately, all streets, avenues, and boulevards named for Martin Luther King, Jr. will be renamed...

HARVARD'S UNOFFICIAL COPY OF MAGNA CARTA IS ACTUALLY AN ORIGINAL Eighty years ago Harvard Law School purchased it at auction for $27...

TRUMP REHIRES FIRED FEDERAL WORKERS: THE VOICE OF TRUTH In a bold move, President Trump has proclaimed federal workers from the Parks Dep...

Five-Two alum Bob Cooperman announces his latest from Kelsay Books, Steerage , calling it "a ripping yarn very loosely based (or as the...

Frequent contributor Charles Rammelkamp's latest Kelsay Books release , See What I Mean? , includes his 2013 Five-Two poem "The Da...

Five-Two alum Bob Cooperman tells me his latest Kelsay Books release, Youth's Joyful Noise , is a "last love letter to The Gratefu...

VALENTINE'S DAY BLIND DATE - PAULIE She was waiting in front of her house, with a bottle of champagne, so I thought, “Wow, this is ...

GEORGE SANTOS, REPUBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE-ELECT FROM NEW YORK'S THIRD CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT So I embellished? Like that gimp Libbo, F...

BOMB THREAT In high school, we’d sometimes be rushed from the building: a bomb threat sirened in, some kid unprepared for the midterm ...

THE HUSNOCK A Star Trek: Next Generation episode featured The Husnock: a race of highly intelligent, incredibly brutal creatures; but ...

DEATH BY VENDING MACHINE "Thirteen people a year are killed by vending machines." —Charles Rammelkamp What about us? How many ...

AN OPEN LETTER FROM A FUNERAL DIRECTOR TO THE ANTI-VAXXERS I thank you all! Business is booming, cases rising like Hurricane Katrina f...

FOOD SHOPPING IN A TIME OF PANDEMIC We’re two of the lucky ones, our groceries delivered, though feelings of guilt it’s so easy, while ...

TASERMAN Man, this really pisses me off, not being able to use this baby on Traitor Pelosi and watch the bitch dance the spastic chicke...

TRUMP AT THE CASKET OF JUSTICE RUTH BADER GINSBURG, REPOSING IN STATE He bowed slightly and whispered, as if to impart a heart-felt goodb...

TRUMP AND COVID-19 It’s going according to my fabulous plan for re-election: New York collapsing, all the libbos and minorities who hate...

OKLAHOMA'S OPEN CARRY LAW At first, I wondered why a governor who signed an open carry law gleefully as a kid tearing into his Chr...

TRUMP AND THE MAIL BOMBS No way was this anything but Dems and CNN trying to steal my election. I’m not actually running, which I will b...

FOUR MORE YEARS That 1972 Election Night, joints went around, to keep us from thinking about Nixon, that crook hell-bent on turning th...