THE NRA'S MODEST PROPOSAL
In the wake of the latest senseless
slaughter of seventy-three little angels
and the ten unarmed saints who died trying,
but failing, to protect them, we hereby propose
that armed guards be posted at every entrance
and all ground-level windows at every school.
All teachers shall be required to carry concealed
weapons on school grounds. And all schoolchildren,
seven years and older, shall have the God-given right
to openly carry suitably sized AR-15s
for self-protection and the protection
of their schoolmates and staff. Children soak
up information like gauze soaking up flesh wounds,
so we are confident that in no time,
they will learn the intricacies of loading, firing,
and caring for their weapons. Also, they will
be taught the proper respect for their weapons
so there will be no chance of any untoward incidents.
And since children have a natural instinct for right
and wrong, we are confident there will be no acts
of intimidation or "firing for fun" at any
foolishly unarmed classmates. Woe betide
the evil intruder, and God Bless America.
Unlike the current illegitimate president,
we, as Christians, really do mean it.
Gerald So reads "The NRA's Modest Proposal":
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Cooperman confesses: "Swift's 'A Modest Proposal' is one of the greatest essays in the English language, and his strategy of proposing something preposterously horrific (fattening up and selling the children of the rural Irish poor to the Anglo-Irish "quality" as food) one of the great metaphors to depict the utterly heartless way the Irish were treated in the 18th century by their British overlords. So it was a natural step for me to propose something preposterously horrible as a solution for the gun mania our country seems to be gripped by. Unfortunately, Wayne LaPierre (of the NRA) has already proposed putting armed guards in all schools, and I wonder if it's just a matter of time before he proposes we arm all little kids."