Tonia Kalouria

SOME EASY MISDEMEANOR IDEAS FOR THE CRIMINALLY-CHALLENGED

(Just be sure you are in the designated states)

In Alabama, drive blindfolded: It’s illegal.
Perhaps they fear you’ll hit a lonely, lost, Bald Eagle.

In Arizona...Put your donkey in the bathtub,
and leave it long enough to fall asleep.
...I’m guessing that it also is illegal,
with cat, dog, bird, giraffe or even cows and sheep.

In California...Just Whistle-up that lost canary
before the dewy, legal, hour of seven.
Don’t wait to blow your legal lungs out later:-
say, at eight, nine, ten, or even at eleven.

In Delaware...Just try to sell illegal cat or dog hair.
It makes you wonder, too, if you…might hawk illegal hare there.

In Idaho...They’re quite gung ho the roads stay clean and neat.
So, tidy up real nice then…dump the rubbish on their street.

In Indiana...You’ll be in trouble when your steed speeds over ten.
It seems they think of M.P.H. as some folks think of Zen.

In Kansas...Make your tires do that loud, ear-piercing SCREEEEETCH!
You’ll get hauled off in no time for Disturbance of the Peace!

In Louisiana...It’s Harrassment to gift a “Pizza (Pie) Surprise.”
Who knows? The shock of such goodwill might cause someone’s demise!


Gerald So reads "Some Easy Misdemeanor Ideas..."


Tonia confesses: I was truly inspired after running across an article about weird laws still on the books in many states. My Satire gene became so restless that I just had to assuage it with a good dose of humor, snark, and sarcasm.

Tonia Kalouria is a former Spanish teacher and soap actress whose poems appear at “littleoldladycomedy.com,” “poetsforscience.org.” and “Literary Veganism,” among others. Anthologies include: A Glass of Wine With Edgar, Evermore, Quoth the Raven, Yonkers, Love, V4, Striving, Poems From the Lockdown, Purr & Yowl, Nothing Ever Happens in Fox Hollow, Cosy Romance, Tails From the Bedside, and Waywords: Habits, and Classical Poets Society, Vol. X.

Tonia Kalouria

JACK, THE HACK CARJACKER

Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick,
Jack leaped over
the gear-change stick.

Jack be bonkers,
Jack be dim:
Hotwires engine
Keys still in!

Carjacker needs money,
though should’ve rehearsed:
Shifts in a hurry —
right into REVERSE!

Carjacker be nervous;
Quite out of his gourd.
PANIC engulfs him:
A Baby On Board!

Jack flees car and babe…
Thus, in his defense:
T’was Thief —not Kidnapper!—
found fried on that fence.


Tonia's YouTube reading of "Jack, the Hack Carjacker"


Tonia confesses: "Any reminder about not leaving children or pets unattended in cars — hot weather or cold — is a Good Thing as it can get dangerously hot or cold so quickly. And then there is the added peril/crime of the car being stolen with the precious cargo within. These incidents, too, are all too common."

Tonia Kalouria is a former Spanish teacher and soap actress whose poems appear at “littleoldladycomedy.com,” “poetsforscience.org.” and “Literary Veganism,” among others. Anthologies include: A Glass of Wine With Edgar, Evermore, Quoth the Raven, Yonkers, Love, V4, Striving, Poems From the Lockdown, Purr & Yowl, Nothing Ever Happens in Fox Hollow, Cosy Romance, Tails From the Bedside, and Waywords: Habits, and Classical Poets Society, Vol. X.

Tonia Kalouria

LEBRON AIRS

Smart, dimpled, and graceful,
tall, handsome Kareem
shouts the FED EX’s message:
"MOM! I made the team."

Those plans made for law school
they now would abort,
for the future's a slam-dunk
when sneaks rock a court.

Proud Mom, nascent PRO,
– who both work without lull–
are so happy and giddy
they break for the Mall.

They giggle through colas,
and curled- ketsuped-fries.
"Now, let’s buy fancy sneakers!"
popped out Mom’s surprise.

"Those Airs you’ve been wanting,
–we couldn’t afford–
well, I’m proud of you, son!
They’re a fitting reward!"

Back home–in new sneaks–
Kareem heads for the park.
Shouting, "Don’t worry, Mom!"
"I’ll be home before dark."

He was walking on air;
life was nothing but net.
"I wonder what jersey...
which number I’ll get?"

While jumping and shooting,
his brain swirled and sang,
but with thoughts in the clouds,
he did not see... The Gang.

Bruised, broken, and bleeding,
Mom’s hero so sweet
on the Gang’s turf lay dying–
no shoes on his feet.

Thus, darkness struck early;
Mom’s heart skips a beat
as she I.D.’s her baby
beneath the white sheet.

Rosa's game plan each week's
now a trip long and hard:
Two subways, three bus rides,
one lonely graveyard.

Grieving Mom, supine pro,
still a team; both alone.
And her son's assigned numbers...
They're now etched in stone.


Tonia reads "LeBron Airs":



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Tonia confesses: "Unfortunately, violence over costly sneakers is not fiction, and not rare. They are a status symbol to be had at all cost by some young men. And some pay dearly."

TONIA KALOURIA is a retired Spanish teacher who played psychiatrist Tonia Wilson on Passions from 2002 to 2007. Her book, Aerobic Poetry: Critter Connections Collection, features humorous, rhythmic poems meant to be read aloud to help lower blood pressure and improve lung function. She has also published poetry in The Litchfield Review, Common Threads, and The Senior Years. She lives with her devoted husband of many years on the West Coast and has two wonderful sons and a lovely granddaughter.

Tonia Kalouria

BIG BROTHER IS STILL WATCHING YOU

"How did your presentation go?"
Said Phyl, "It went quite well."
"The slow kids love to choose their words;
they write from bell to bell!"

"They get to choose which words to learn!
And plus, how many, too?"
"Oh, yeah–for Extra Crédito?–
no end to what they’ll do!"

"Oh, too much tea," then Phyllis joked:
"Back in a flash–or ‘flush.’"
"Must hit the Little Teachers Room;
pay later –gotta rush"!

"Wait! Do you have your SEX ID,
Ms. Teacher of the Year?"
"It’s in my purse somewhere, I think."
(Both outcomes garnered fear.)

"Oh, darn!" cried Phyl, "a Guard is there";
"Must use the MENS for sure.
But I sure hope it’s vacant 'cause
this ‘guy’ is quite demure."

Phyl flashed her blue ID with "Phil,"
heels tap toward empty stall;
two bulky, boorish brutes appear–
fixin’ to start a brawl...

Phyl’s hair was soaked, her dress was ripped.
"Bitch got what he deserved!"
The blood and panties gagging her?
Transphobic Justice served.


Gerald So "Big Brother is Still Watching You":



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Tonia confesses: "If you don't think the bathroom edict that transgenders use birth certificate designations instead of Obama guidelines won't foment transphobic hate crimes, the Ku Klux Klan begs to differ. KKK in one Alabama city is using the issue as a (successful) recruiting tool! Their fliers suggest the 'really confused' trans should 'Use a tree.' What’s next? Only the pinus palustris* for trans females, and peach trees for trans males?"

TONIA KALOURIA is a retired Spanish teacher who played psychiatrist Tonia Wilson on Passions from 2002 to 2007. Her book, Aerobic Poetry: Critter Connections Collection, features humorous, rhythmic poems meant to be read aloud to help lower blood pressure and improve lung function. She has also published poetry in The Litchfield Review, Common Threads, and The Senior Years. She lives with her devoted husband of many years on the West Coast and has two wonderful sons and a lovely granddaughter.

Tonia Kalouria

ODE TO THE HOMICIDAL "GENTLEMEN"

This "gentleman's" a demon-dastard,
a psycho-sadist, do or die;
a real-life off-spring of Old Lucifer,
spawned on a dung-heap of flies.

That "gentleman's" a stone-cold gargoyle:
Both rape and arson: Praise on high!
A vicious villain to report on—
while secretly hoping he'll fry.

Those "gentlemen," they hunt their victims—
to hear them suffer, watch them die—
for they are wicked, cunning Nimrods:
and EVIL's the "who," "what," and the "why."


Gerald So reads "Ode to the Homicidal 'Gentlemen'":



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Tonia confesses: "'Gentleman' is a disconcerting term of overcompensation sometimes used by reporters to conceal disgust toward the 'alleged' perpetrators of particularly heinous crimes."

TONIA KALOURIA is a retired Spanish teacher who played psychiatrist Tonia Wilson on Passions from 2002 to 2007. Her book, Aerobic Poetry: Critter Connections Collection, features humorous, rhythmic poems meant to be read aloud to help lower blood pressure and improve lung function. She has also published poetry in The Litchfield Review, Common Threads, and The Senior Years. She lives with her devoted husband of many years on the West Coast and has two wonderful sons and a lovely granddaughter.

Tonia Kalouria

ROCK-A-BYE, BABY

(Clapton's "Cocaine" blares
its lullaby in background)

In a roach-infested kitchen,
on a greasy counter top,
shrieks a toddler in a rocker seat
nearby the rancid mop.

"Oh, Jane, stop squawlin', sweetie,"
(Writhing on the counter top)
"Ma's textin' for her helpers now,"
(they'll "help her" till she drops.)

With their anguish unrelenting,
child and mother flail and pace.
A life arranged by drugs and drops
is etched upon each face.

"Just how long does it take
to score some freakin'coke'n meth?!"
"Oh, God, he's cut me off I bet!"
(the thought scares her to death.)

At last, Mom's prayer is answered:
She bolts toward the ringing bell.
"Okay, hold on, I’m comin'! "
(At the “in’” the cradle fell.)

(The pace changes...)

The peaceful babe lay broken
on the sticky, stone-cold floor.
Encrusted Loves and curdled milk
could torture Jane no more.

Twelve "peers" find TOT-MOM GUILTY!
The Old Prison’s her new home.
Life doles out food for thought, too,
as she paces, now alone.

On tip-toes from her sterile cube,
Mom scans the prison yard:
Through swollen eyes,
each night she spies
Sweet Jane there—standing guard.


Clare Toohey reads "Rock-a-bye, Baby":



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Tonia confesses: "Beyond the theme of Demon Drugs, I want the 'twist ending' to be thought provoking: Is Jane an angelic testimony to Forgiveness? Is she a spirit there to haunt? Is she simply an hallucination caused by guilt, drugs, and/or madness?"

TONIA KALOURIA is a retired Spanish teacher who played psychiatrist Tonia Wilson on Passions from 2002 to 2007. Her book, Aerobic Poetry: Critter Connections Collection, features humorous, rhythmic poems meant to be read aloud to help lower blood pressure and improve lung function. She has also published poetry in The Litchfield Review, Common Threads, and The Senior Years. She lives with her devoted husband of many years on the "North Shore," (Lake Erie,) and has two wonderful sons and a lovely granddaughter.

Tonia Kalouria

THE CASE OF THE SCARLET HARLOT

The suspect's clever, Cupid's Bow
has launched a thousand quips.
Her leaded-ruby painted arch
has kissed a thousand lips.

The men and boys are eager for
Her kisses cause them shivers.
But her delight is breaking hearts—
And men with failing livers.


Gerald So reads "The Case of The Scarlet Harlot":



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Tonia confesses: "Like GMO's and fluoride, mercury fillings, etc., I was chagrined to discover yet another toxin we are being bombarded with. I am trying to illustrate that, indeed, cumulative effects are harmful. And in this 'criminal case,' the major perp is, of course, the FDA—not poor, psychotic Scarlet."

TONIA KALOURIA is a retired Spanish teacher who played psychiatrist Tonia Wilson on Passions from 2002 to 2007. Her book, Aerobic Poetry: Critter Connections Collection, features humorous, rhythmic poems meant to be read aloud to help lower blood pressure and improve lung function. She has also published poetry in The Litchfield Review, Common Threads, and The Senior Years. She lives with her devoted husband of many years on the "North Shore," (Lake Erie,) and has two wonderful sons and a lovely granddaughter.